No matter how we fight it, tides of change find us.

As you know from my last post, my family and I have been undergoing some huge changes. So large, that we have just needed time to digest everything. I dont want to make it sound like everything that has happened has been bad... because that would be grossly untrue. We have just definately learned how to be apprecative of all of the blessings that we have been given, and how just how precious our sweet angels really are to us.

One of my most favorite pictures of Kyrie as a baby!

The latest update on the Rayroux family is this; Miss Kyrie is going to be seen by a pediatric cardiologist for a murmmur that is a possible VSD (Ventral Septal defect, a hole in the dividing wall of the heart). The murmur is VERY loud. For all my medical friends out there.. It's like a grade 4, on S1, valve clicks are present, and it nearly sounds like a Pleural friction rub. She's had spells of cyanosis and syncope ( not getting enough oxygen, and fainting as a result) after strenous activity, and she just now passing 30 lbs, but eats constantly. She's always pale, tires easily... and I am petrified. If the issue is bad, her cardiologist will take her to surgery immediantly to close the hole. I know that I should be thankful that the condition can be corrected, but knowing that there is a possibility that someone will have to operate on my 5 year old's heart completely undoes me. So, I've spent most of the last two weeks bawling my eyes out, and praying for her little heart to be healed.

My water baby at the lake.

 I never thought that for one second that I would try to barganing with God for miracles, but almost every night I've pleaded with God to heal and protect my baby girl. I'm so vigilant with them. I don't even take my children to the park alone, because with three small children I don' feel that two protective eyes, in a world full of onlookers is enough. Neurotic, maybe..yes...but I want them safe. I always pray over them, I just thought that I would be able to protect them more. I promised them that I would never let anything bad happen to them.. so here I am now, wondering how the heck I can protect her from this. No matter how hard I cry, or how hard I work to keep her safe from the dangers of this world.. I am helpless to save her from a heart condition. I can't forsee how this is going to play out. I can't plan for how this is going to affect her. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to be able to fix everything. It kills me that I can't fix her broken little heart. I don't even know how to explain this to her. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat... all I do is pray for guidance. Just looking for some sign as to what direction I am supposed to be going in, because I am totally and completely lost.

Kyrie Nicole

I know that even though I want to heal her, and I want to fix everything.... I know that there is a plan. Even though I can't see it, I don't understand it... I know that God is going to use her to teach someone something. I know that..and I know that every time I praise God.. praising Him through the hurt, and the confusion and the fear, we win a small battle. Even if I can't see that small battle right now, I know that in the end He will find the final victory. I don't know what direction that I am supposed to go, or how I am going to get there, but I know that the whole picture will soon emerge from the darkness. It's just so hard, and conflicting. My everything hurts. She is so precious to me, she brings so much to my life. Her sacrcastic sassy way beyond her years intelligence is what I need to get me through most days. Her little smile, and laugh.. when she crawls into my bed in the morning and wraps her little arms around me.... I need it, I need them...I need her. As selfish as that sounds, sometimes I think I need her more than she's ever needed me. I just love that little soul.. so much.

"I think I need her more that she's ever needed me." <3

Ugh, okay enough... My face is red and swollen, that heaviness is back in my chest making it hard to breathe... and I cant see out of my glasses any longer.

If I don't do any cool posts in the next few weeks, please bear with me. We head to see the cardiologis on the 16th, and depending on how things go from there.. the only things that I may post will be updates on Ky's condition. I promise, I will get back to the scheduled list of awesome things... but I have to be with my baby. I know you can all understand what it's like to have a sick child.. but still.... I just feel like I needed to explain my absence. I really love my blog, and being able to help others. I'm not going to write this off! No matter how we fight it sometimes...the tides of change find us. Whether we are surfing glissining waves, or hanging back on the beach.. it always finds us.

In closing, please please please...if you find yourself with a few moments, please say a prayer for Kyrie, send good thoughts, well wishes, whatever, and for our family. We would be much appreciative of anything.

 I'll post again as soon as I am not a huge ball of mushy, sappy mess. Blessings and love to you as your week continues.

xoxoxo!
Audrie