So, I've decided to give this blogging thing a try. I live just as a chaotic life as anyone else, and share the same struggles...so if something that I have done or said can help someone through the rough patches in their life, then the hour that I spend in front of the computer while my children are asleep will be well worth it's weight in gold.

So, a little background...this way your not scratching your head and wondering,,, "Really, where did any of this come from?" I am a 25 year old wife and mother of 3 small children. Our eldest is a spunky 5 year old (Kyrie) who loves life, color, and is one of those kids that has a genuinely sweet heart. She never has to be told to share, and she is so loving. Our middle is 4 (Nataleigh), and she is full of attitude...or what we more commonly refer to as Nattatude. She is fiesty, stubborn, and tough. She wears her Sunday dress and bows with converse, and spends the first 20 minutes of every day cuddling in bed with her mama. The baby (Tyler), is 3.. he is a laid back, go with the flow kind of kid. He is perfectly content to spend each morning on the couch to watch every episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that is scheduled. Together they make the whirlwind trio of mobile living room terrorists....that I adore with every single fiber of my being.

My husband and I met as freshmen in highschool. We were both members of the highschool marching band, which was basically the only thing that we had in common. He is very quiet and reserved, and I am very not. After 4 years of friendship, two of which we were attached at the hip...our relationship began. I've always known that my husband was a gift. He was the only person that has ever stood the test of time. He has always been there, even when he was upset with me. If I needed him, he was there. He really is my center. We fight hard sometimes, and we've had our ups and downs...but we always build eachother up. It's taken me forever for me to say this, but where he is...is the only place that I have ever felt safe. He and my children are home. I can breathe and thrive as long as I have them.

I came from a "broken home". (Is that term even used anymore?) My parents divorced when I was very young... and I was bounced back and fourth between them and my grandparents basically my entire childhood. My parents were young and irresponsible, and my maternal grandparents were overbearing... and I got caught somewhere in the middle, trying to figure out where I fit in. My dad was a hardworker, he spent his entire life in the oil fields, and would have made a substantial living... if he were a better accountant. My mom..well, she was a work of art. I mean that in the literal term now, but ten years ago I couldn't even bare to go and see her. She has bipolar disorder, and diabetes. So, 15 years ago.. Bipolar disorder was most commonly misdiagnosed as depression. SO.. antidepressants were prescribed regularly..and one of the most serious side effects of most all antidepressant medication is... "Risk for suicide and/or suicidial tendencies/idealations". Ok, so you do the math there... anyway, after multiple suicide attempts and near death experiences...she suffered some brain damage. So, right now, my mother is 47, and is at the developmental level of a 15 year old. It took me a long time, and a semester of pshychartic nursing before I could say that I really undestand my mother. I love her for her, she is first and foremost my mother, and she loved me the only way that she could. I can't really say that I have the "mom" connection with anyone, but I understand that she couldn't be that, even though I really think that she wanted to. She could only be Julie, and that's ok with me.

So, long story short, my childhood was less than conducive for learning to be a self sustaning, confidant adult.  My journey into adulthood, started out rocky...at best. At 20 I became a wife and mother withing 6 months of eachother, I was the main provider for the family while my husband was in school. I had a tremendous amount of responsibility, and no clue how to do any of it, except the working. I worked my most of my teenage years, I was comfortable with that aspect. I had absoutly no clue how to do the rest of this, the idea of a family was always something that I had fantasized about....but never really intended to commit to. I knew I was unequipped, and I was not the nuturing type. However, through years of trial and error, prayer, utter failures, heartbreaks, and many tears... I can proudly say that I have broken the cycle of maladaption and the other emotional and psychological chains that bonded my family.

The first step to every rehab program, is to admit that you have a problem. My issue...I knew that there was a problem, but there were so many, that I didnt know where to start. It wasn't until I found myself at 22 with a failing marriage, two toddlers and an infant.. that I was able to identifiy that I had to "fix" myself. The first thing that I did, was I went and enrolled in school. Everything was spinning out of control, and I knew that because I didn't have my degree (nursing) I had nothing to ground myself with. After enrolling, I felt empowered. I felt like I had taken the first steps to show everyone that I was a force that couldn't be reckoned with. Even though I was beaten, I was still walking tall and upright..and I refused to let anything bring me to my knees...... well, almost anything. 

I had always believed in God. I wasn't exactly sure how I thought that he worked, but I was sure that he was there. The night that I thought the world ended, after my children were in bed, and I was all alone, I fell to my knees in front of my couch and literally planted my face in the coushins and bawled. I just cried out to God, and begged him to come and heal my broken heart....or help someone fall infront of a greyhound... I was willing to accept either as an option at that point. Just as soon as I told myself that there was no one "up" there... God started moving. He pulled the weeds, and planted new seeds. I renewed friendships with people from my past, and made a new friend that would literally act as the safety net that would catch me on my failed attempts to put the pieces back together. I also renewed a friendship with my sister, and a level of equality with her. Eventually, after months of tears, fighting for my marriage and family, and hours of praying...my husband and I jumped off the bridge to nowhere and have never looked back.

So, now.. my husband, my children and I are loving, learning and thriving. We lead an insanely crazy life... between kids, working and school, finances, and all finishing our home improvement projects.. we are always elbow deep in something. I've taken a semester off of nursing school to refresh my weary brain, and to redirect our home life. My plan is just to take things as they come. I want to make more home cooked meals for my family, find new crafts to make with my children, just to spend each moment that I have right now making each new day a memory worth having. So, now that you know about me... if I can  in anyway help you, or if you have a question..please feel free to ask!

Everyone goes through hard times in their lives. Everyone goes through stormy days and sun rays, but they are our only chance to grab a small glimpse of grace.

xoxox!
Audrie